Expectations - Friction, Tension, and Conflict

Expectations and assumptions are the root cause of most tension, friction and conflict in all areas of human relationship. Both at work and at home. Part of the challenge of human performance and effectiveness is to articulate expectations and arrive at a shared understanding of what is important. It's a collective and individual process.

Even when we choose to have explicit conversations about expectations, the territory can be muddy. We frequently use language that in itself is laden with expectations and underlying assumptions. Words like 'respect', 'integrity' and 'accountability' usually draw easy agreement. There are few of us who would argue that these are not important. But the detail of what we mean by a term like respect can be difficult to articulate for ourselves and discover in others.

This morning at 4am, I joined a lecture at the University of North Dakota, Space Studies Program. I didn't even have to leave home. The lecture was delivered by Dr Sheryl Bishop who has spent the last 25 years researching human performance and team dynamics in isolated and hostile environments. She has spent time at the poles, deep cave diving, and simulation of space habitats. She also conducted some research in conjunction with Bob Cooper on one of his Advanced Survival Exercises in the Pilbara.

Dr Bishop made an interesting point about how challenging it is to get people to even acknowledge that there is an underlying expectation or assumption at play.

She showed this photo of the crew dining table on the old Skylab Space Station. When it is not in use, the table folds down, leaving just the central pillar. Crew were moving through this room all day, and the Earth based control team noticed that they all pulled themselves around the pillar. It was so much more effort than simply flying over the top. 

When asked, the crew were unable to explain why they did it, especially when there were such obviously easier ways. After a few days of reflection they came back with this explanation. "It just doesn't seem right or polite to fly right over the top of our dining table." The crew had unanimously adopted a practice that took more effort and was based on expectations. They had never discussed it, and even when asked directly about it, took a while to identify why.

Dr Bishop's quote of the day for me was, "Often our expectations and assumptions are completely invisible, even to ourselves."

Had there been a crew member onboard who took the direct, and easier route through the dining room, this would have been a source of possible friction or conflict for the crew. In situations like that people often say things like, "He doesn't respect us." They are not even consciously aware of what the person is specifically doing to create the friction.

As leaders, subtle friction or tension is an early indicator that there are unmet expectations in play. Time spent exploring, and clarifying your expectations and those around you is never wasted. Greater clarity results in better performance, cohesion and dynamics, all of which are better for business.

Systems, Expectations, Promises

Lessons from the Hospitality Industry

She looked away, and seemed to busy herself with other things. With what exactly was hard to tell. We hung in the doorway, wondering what the process was. The breakfast buffet was obvious in front of us, but being our first morning we had no idea whether to make ourselves at home and just get stuck in, or wait to be seated. There were some awkward moments while we hung there whispering to each other about what to do next.

Eventually we made our way to  a table where the experience continued. A notice at the table said we could order eggs ad coffees. The person we had seen earlier seemed to have vanished. We started to make a coffee at the coffee machine, which prompted a staff member to show up and take over. With a bit of a push we got her to take our egg order as well.

These are really small issues AND  they have a significant impact on customer experience. The following day, it was as if we were in a different hotel chain. We were greeted by name by 3 highly visible staff, who asked where we wanted to sit, and took a coffee and egg order as soon as we were comfortable. They took the time to find out what we planned to do for the day, and offered assistance to organise it if we needed it. Gentle music played in the background. 

The fundamentals hadn't changed - there were staff, and food, and furniture - but the second day was easier, much more pleasurable and more in keeping with the promises of a high end 5 star hotel.

Hospitality done well demonstrates many behind the scenes things done well. They have systems to let them know who guests are, and if they are returning, to record some preferences.  Staff put people at ease, and live up to the promises made by the chains reputation or star rating. They also do  great job of checking in with people to see if expectations are met.

So often, the businesses I work with or experience seem to regard it as the customer/client job to navigate their systems. Sometimes it's as if the customer is actually a hinderance. Some businesses have great systems, but use them sporadically, or not at all. Either way it results in an inconsistent experience for the customer. 

In a world where people are time poor, overloaded with information and decisions, businesses can deliver a sense of certainty to their customers, just by being courteous, consistent and committed.

Over the past few months I have been doing some work in partnership with The Bullshift Company. One of the explicit values of the company is "Be easy to deal with". We will work around our own internal issues and glitches to ensure that the customer experiences us as easy to deal with.

What can you do during the next 30 days to raise the level of consistency, certainty and comfort your customers experience? How will you ensure that experience continues beyond the end of the month?

Finding the Right Focus

Each year I like to try at least one thing I have never done before. I find that it helps to keep my mind sharp. I'm exposed to an area of knowledge I haven't been exposed to before, and the new practice forces me out of my well worn, and habitual grooves. From a leadership point of view, it also reminds me what it feels like to be in unfamiliar territory. We often ask others to step up, but if we continually operate within known territory ourselves, we can forget how unsettling a new space can be to the people around us. 

This year, I've been doing some work with Bradley Hunter at The Shed Functional Fitness. Brad is a master of kettle bells, and a seriously good personal trainer. The end of last year for me was hectic, and I found myself adding kilos and stress. I needed a new physical routine.

I've found myself in possession of a couple of shiny new kettle bells. They don't yet have the knocks and scrapes of Brad's set. Aside from the physical benefits, the bells quickly schooled me in being present, paying attention, and finding the right focus. It's worth finding at least one thing in your life that demands being present in the here and now. 

Kettle bells work in part because they force you into dynamic and unstable movements which switch on core and stabilising muscles. If you are not mentally switched on as well, they bite! Safety is a big part of the training, and Brad had briefed me really clearly on how to safely enter and exit each move.

During my first workout at home, I dropped my focus for less than a second. As I rolled over to complete the sequence, I forgot to focus on the bell. It literally took off. A quick but awkward roll managed to get the thing back on the ground without it doing damage to me, or turning into a wrecking ball. All up it was a better outcome than what could have been.

After that initial wakeup call, I find myself instantly present as soon as I touch a kettle bell now. It's almost like meditation!

I like to find activities that demand that kind of presence. It's what I strive to bring to all aspects of my life and work. When I manage that level of presence, I deliver better results, listen more, learn more, and both my business and personal relationships flourish.

Now the heady days of New Years resolutions are well behind us, if you were going to try one new thing this year - something fun, motivating and beneficial - what would that something be? The menu is endless. Will you choose a one off experience like diving with sharks or visiting a new country? Perhaps a course to develop a new skill set? Maybe a dance class? Build a new habit? Join a book club? Or try something new in business like a partnership or new offering? 

What will you do this year that's new and different? What will that new space teach you?